Messy Balances

Recovery from Narcissistic abuse

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So many days, months and years spend to understand the mind and heart of a Narcissist.
Well let me tell you, there is nothing to understand nor change, all you can do is to accept it and heal from the abuse.

First of all I want to share with you my story with a narcissist mother, so here it goes….

I grew up with a narcistic mother but never did I think there was something wrong with her. I always worked harder to make her happy and proud and that is still words I was waiting to hear.
Due to the fact that no matter what I did and how good it was I never got her acknowledgment or acceptance not to mention the praise. With this empty hole in me I pushed myself to be the best in everything I do and that led me to never being satisfied with where I am in life and with what I have. I pushed people away to protect myself from ever feeling like that again. Now at 27 years of age I realized that I suffered from abandonment issues and fear of rejection. 

After multiple rejections and fights with my mother and being all alone when I needed her the most, I realized its time to accept the bitter truth and move forward with my life without her in it (no contact)

I feel like a broken shell of someone desperately trying to pick up the pieces in an attempt to heal. To be able to fully share genuine love, empathy and acceptance with others present and emotionally available.Since I was 13 years old, I have been well aware that our relationship is shallow, void and unloving; the opposite of most mom-daughter relationships I’ve seen. She never seemed interested in getting to know me or finding out what I love in life. In fact, I received no single encouragement from her. Nothing I did was quite enough to make her proud of me or take notice. She herself seems to have no passion or emotions.

What’s more, the psychological abuse I suffered under her care was nothing to bear compared to the abandonment and betrayal I still feel when I think of her. Then, after all the exploitation, she took away my freedom and friends and put me in home school so she can cope with her anger and sense of control; those actions only further show her level of emotional depravity and lack of care for me as a person.

Although some people would say that I am now an accomplished, confident and well-adjusted person; I know I’m still a frantic mess inside. My cracks turn out in my marriage, in my inability to rely on others or trust in me, and in my use of medication in an attempt to numb the painful feelings I have about her and the things she did to me.

At 27 years old, I can’t let this path of destruction continue in my life. I want healthy relationships and I want my family whole! So, I’ll bring out all my ugly feelings on paper and put them to the universe for use in my therapeutic journey. Then I will no longer allow myself to wish for the fantastic relationship I wish I could have had with her. I’ll allow myself to grieve our relationship; and I will eventually be able to move on and find peace.

The past year has been the hardest for me, especially since my husband and I are now planning to have a child and I want to find so much pleasure in developing a healthy, beautiful relationship with him/her. But my inner illness pulls out its ugly head as I miss my dream version of her. Furthermore, I tend to think that I will go overboard for my child and spoil with love and attention because I want to make sure that he/she feels the love, protection and generosity I never felt from her. But why? Why do I miss something I never had in the first place? I don’t know, but I can barely get through one day without secretly overthinking one or more of these questions or horrible thoughts.

I always had food, clothes and a roof over my head; I even had a lot of nice things. But in terms of emotional support or sincere empathy, I received nothing. For much of my childhood I felt so helpless and alone. Her actions have burned a hole right through my heart it’s almost unforgivable. But… the truth is, I wanted to forgive her if Only she would give me the chance to forgive her. Indeed, I have forgiven my Dad for a long time for humbly asking me, because he feels really remorse for his decisions that have adversely affected my life. I also tried so hard to understand her and have condolences, but now I come up empty. There are too many years wasted sitting, waiting, wishing and hoping that she will just acknowledge all the lies, and own her mistakes.

Does she even know what it was like to prepare for my studies and exams, buy furniture to move into my first apartment, bought my first car, my first work trip across the borders, planned my wedding and attended it alone, and now plan to have a child, all without a supportive mother? I’ve always been so jealous of other women who are close to their mothers of the cheerleader type, they do things together and they openly show that they care about each other, something I never had with her.

I have tried a lot to stir up her interest in spending some time with me, getting to know her better, just to be painfully rejected every time. I’m done with waiting and preparing for a mother who is unable to show or accept love from me. I have nothing of personal significance that I have received from her in this life.

Because of this dynamic between her and I, I cannot have healthy relationships with women of my age. I constantly look for surrogates, women who are ten years or older than me, to give me the comfort, encouragement and guidance I seek. Resilience, ingenuity and coping skills are definitely a trait that I entrust You that I have instilled in me. I’ve learned to get the necessary from others, because she couldn’t give me that, and that’s fine. I’m not like her, though, but I’m able to retaliate. I learned that families are not always blood members, sometimes one has to create one’s own tribe to sustain. She emotionally ignored and neglected me in all the most hurtful ways. Unconditional love is something she lacks and does not know or understand. 

Today I woke up to find out that, although giving up trying to improve our relationship will be one of the hardest things I’ll ever do, it’s exactly the healing step I have to take now. The matter is that she is the one who is at the end of this stick..

With all I shared, I am finally ready to forgive her and go forward so that I can focus on strengthening the many other healthy relationships I have been blessed with

To whomever reading this, you are not alone and you will heal and if reading this is your first step, I’m proud of you.


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